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Talk:Watch Out Now/@comment-5483266-20150214122045
This is perhaps a really shitty time for me to broadcast my emotional baggage but I just couldn't contain myself any longer. I apologize in advance. I don't want to spoil anyone's day or worry the people that I love with all my heart and soul. You'd be better off scrolling past this fuckery of a post. There comes a time when you just get sick of all the toxicity that permeates your life. Of all the deceit, the contempt, the seething pile of bullshit that's forcefed to you day after day. I'm used to being shat on but when it's become such a constant, vicious cycle and when the perpetrators show absolutely no signs of stopping, you eventually just...burn out. I'm tired of feeling marginalized and expendable, and being made the scapegoat for my own treatment. I'm tired of having to suffer the consequences for when I actually do confront both my internal and external demons. I'm tired of chasing after hopeless endeavours and having people take and take from me until I begin to doubt my own humanity. I'm tired of feeling like a bad person. Who knows, maybe I am but I'd be ignorant if I didn't take some responsibility for how others perceive me. Including myself. I'm tired of battling the intrinsic part of me that says I deserve it, that I should have known better than to let their empty words and callous conduct strike my desecrated heart. That I should have learned from giving them numerous second chances only for every pretence to reveal themselves as the terrible lies they are and I regret naively succumbing to the belief that things could ever be different. Second chances are fine and dandy, but it's pathetic when they become infinite and sometimes love really isn't enough. Yet time and time again I find myself in the same exact place I was before, wading in my own filth and trying desperately not to drown. It always begins and ends the same. My dignity and self-esteem bear the brunt of it to the point of where I forget that anything's been sacrificed because I've lived through so much of it that this all-consuming void may as well be a permanent extension of myself, never to be fulfilled. I'm the twisted antithesis of King Midas - I destroy everything I touch. Everything I do or say crumbles to dust. I can be self-indulgent with my emotions or atrociously disconnected. In either case, I'm withering away in a perpetual state of disillusion and disenchantment because this is my reality. I don't know. I'm just at my wit's end. Someday I'll rise above it all and finally embark upon that interminable journey to the universal social constuct we call happiness. Someday I will purge my life of all the destructive forces that inhabit it. Someday, I'll believe that I deserve better, that I owe it to my sanity and I owe it to myself, and someday, I'll finally be able to fight and prevail unscathed. Someday.